How To Be a Fat Bitch: Week One

Rachele at The Nearsighted Owl is hosting a year-long eCourse called How to Be a Fat Bitch. She posts a short vlog, an assignment, and some discussion questions. I’ll be posting here on Wednesdays about the assignment and questions. Come join in the fun!

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Week One Assignment:

Write down 5 things that you are going to do that make you happy. Not “even though you are fat” but because you are fat and awesome. 5 things that have nothing to do with trying for the sake of others. 5 things for yourself and your well being. Like “go out dancing and actually dance”, “throw away my scale”, “make something yummy and bring it to work to share”, “join a yoga class” and “wear that tight leopard skirt”.

1. Wear cute, colorful clothes that fit (instead of being big enough for another person to fit in with me.) With stripes! Horizontal stripes.

2. Buy a non-black, non-old-lady bathing suit to wear this summer. And wear it!

3. Put on my good old athletic swimsuit and get into the pool at the gym again. Sometimes, just go for the hot tub.

4. Travel to New York to support my book at BEA, meet my editor, and not be afraid of all the people looking at me.

5. Learn to sew, from a pattern and to alter clothes.

Week one discussion:

How do you deal with people that make assumptions about you based on being fat? Is the best revenge to live well and be happy? How do you feel about the concept of there being a “good fatty” and a “bad fatty” perceived in society?

Most of the assumptions I deal with are super convoluted. They are my assumptions of what I assume other people are assuming about me, base on my being fat. I worry that if I go to the grocery store without putting on a bra, people will think that I’m one of those sloppy, yucky fats. And if I order a big meal at a restaurant that people will think I’m one of those fats who . . . I don’t know, gets hungry?

This has come up for me a lot lately, because pretty soon here I’ll have to deal with people in connection with my book. And I want that. I do. I’m proud of my book and I want to do whatever I can to support it. But, I worry that people will judge me based on my weight.

I’ve spent my whole life wanting to be a good girl. Good grades. Self-sacrificing. Trustworthy. Never putting anyone out. That’s how I survived growing up. And as an adult it’s translated into wanting, sometimes almost desperately, to be a “good fat.” One that smells good all the time and has pretty hair and doesn’t wear loud colors, that dutifully hates herself for her failure to provide the world with a thin girl to look at, denies herself any pleasure in food, and who never eats anything in public that anyone else might think she shouldn’t.

Giving up the desire to be a good fat, and being okay with just being me, hasn’t been easy. I’m still not there all the way. But, I’m working on it. I’m not sure if being happy and living well is the best revenge. I’m not even sure I feel like I need revenge. But, I do know that it feels really good and I’m all about feeling really good.

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